Can their relationship last?
Loving a Toxic Controller can come at a price.
Sometimes that price is so high that it seems almost impossible for the People Pleaser to recover.
Have you ever witnessed a relationship between two people that seems doomed from the start yet despite the buckets of tears and numerous breakups, they always end up back together?
My friend’s daughter ‘Kerri’ has spent the last three years in this situation.
To those of us that know and love her, we see a toxic relationship. We see a young woman whose vibrancy has slowly dimmed. A woman whose voice has been silenced.
Pleas from her family to leave have fallen to the wayside, and so they wait, and they hope.
Hope that eventually, he will walk out the door for good.
Hope that he leaves before the damage is too great.
Before her spirit is broken.
Before it’s too late.
It’s difficult to understand this kind of relationship until we learn it’s characteristics.
Initially, the Pleaser and the Controller seem like the perfect companions.
The Pleaser finds the strength and power of the Controller hard to resist. The Controller offers protection and safety. It gives them someone to which they can give their love and satisfies their nurturing side.
The Controller receives the love and adoration they crave without being asked for anything in return. They can control and maneuver the relationship at will which gives them the power they are seeking.
When Pleasers and Controllers first meet, it can seem like an ideal match because both are getting something they have been searching for from the other person.
Can this type of relationship last?
Our first instinct is to say this relationship is doomed. Yet time after time we see this same scenario played out and it leaves us wondering what the attraction is.
Understanding the typical characteristics of a People Pleaser and the Toxic Controller can help us
Psychologist Shirley Vandersteen, explains the common aspects of the Pleaser and Controller which makes it easier to understand why these types are drawn to each other.
Common characteristics of the People Pleaser:
- · They are often perfectionists.
- · Seldom feel worthy of love or affection.
- · Feel responsible for the happiness of others.
- · They are the peacemakers of the group.
- · Always seeking approval.
- · Strong need to be good and follow the rules.
- · They may come from emotionally demanding families.
Pleasers have a difficult time in toxic relationships because they find it more important to be liked and wanted than to walk away — the fear of losing the relationship more important than their own emotional health and wellbeing.
They often believe that love must be earned. They may think they are not worthy of
Genuine love with no strings attached can be scary to a Pleaser. They believe that sooner or later they won’t be able to live up to perceived expectations.
Pleasers hate to disappoint so they tend to seek out relationships with people who will inevitably disappoint them.
Being disappointed feels more comfortable to the Pleaser than disappointing others. Working hard to ‘earn’ someone’s love can feel rewarding when they finally receive it, no matter how fleeting the affection may be.
However, as this relationship moves forward, a familiar pattern begins to develop.
In chasing love, you lose yourself!
In trying so hard to earn a Controller’s love, the Pleaser loses themselves entirely (although this may only be evident to their close friends and family as a Pleaser rarely sees this in themselves.)
The Pleaser’s needs and desires take a secondary role, and the pursuit of affection becomes all that matters. They no longer identify with their true self and often mould themselves into someone the Controller will appreciate.
To maintain the pretense of a loving relationship they often create an outward appearance that they are in a loving relationship by posting numerous photos of themselves on social media or by retreating from social media altogether.
They often feel judged or misunderstood by family and friends who don’t support them so will gradually pull away from those that frown upon their relationship.
The more emotionally unavailable the Controller becomes, the more the Pleaser works for their love.
Common characteristics of the Toxic Controller:
- · Low self-esteem.
- · Defensive.
- · Fearful of others seeing them as weak.
- · Strong need to be right and in control.
- · Lack of control fuels aggression.
- · Unable to recognize the needs of others.
- · When in the wrong they express self-loathing by lashing out at others.
- · Quick to anger.
- · May have had an emotionally abusive childhood.
The Controller will exploit relationships with Pleasers because they enjoy the power it offers. Always being right in the eyes of someone who loves them unconditionally can be a powerful feeling.
They love the game, and the need to win at all costs drives them to seek out a Pleaser who will let them.
They often push the Pleaser away and stretch the relationship boundaries as often and a far as possible. This becomes a pattern although both the Pleaser and the Controller are often unaware of their behaviours.
Controllers will frequently end relationships or withdraw their love to feel powerful and in control. They manipulate the relationship by holding back affection when the Pleaser needs it the most or by playing the hero in front of family and friends.
Fear of not being good enough or of being rejected can gradually force the Pleaser to accept the Controller’s unacceptable behaviour. They soon start making excuses for the Controller’s actions.
The Controller presides over the Pleaser’s self-worth, so the Pleaser often feels unworthy of love. Emotional and mental abuse can seep into the relationship without the Pleaser realizing it.
Over time, resentment grows, and a pattern of hidden emotions and lies emerge. This type of relationship is lonely and unfulfilling for the Pleaser even though they portray a happy outward appearance.
Can People Pleasers and Toxic Controllers live happily ever after?
The Pleaser and the Controller seldom admit that their relationship is toxic, so any outside interference from loved ones generally falls on deaf ears.
The more others try and pull them apart, the harder they fight, and it results in the Pleaser and the Controller putting up a united front. It can often make them feel like they’re on the same team and it has the opposite effect of what loved ones hope for.
Even though our first instinct is to rescue the Pleaser from the Controller’s grip, it usually fails. It is difficult for them to see themselves as others see them, and they don’t identify with the characteristics of a Pleaser in the relationship.
It’s even more difficult for someone to admit they are a Controller.
Are you in a toxic relationship?
Self-awareness is the best tool you can possess when navigating your way through a complicated and toxic relationship.
Learning how your thoughts create your emotions and behaviours can help you understand why you seek out specific partners and why you react negatively to certain situations. It can help you understand the roles we play in a relationship.
Everyone is worthy of genuine love that is given freely with no strings attached.
If being in a relationship makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s time to re-evaluate what matters.
It starts with you believing that you deserve and are worthy of so much more.
Don’t let anyone tell you anything different!
