When I became a parent, worry seemed justified. I worried about our children’s happiness, their health, and their safety. Their pain became my pain. When they suffered, I suffered. The world seemed like a cruel and dangerous place, and I wanted them to be strong, to be fearless, and most of all to be happy.
I believed that because I loved my children so much that my worry was necessary. Didn’t every parent who loved their child as much as I did, feel the same way? However, as my children grew older, my fears grew along with them. Television talk shows fed my fears and taught me that there were more dangers in the world than I could ever imagine. I soon found myself worrying about bullying, about drugs, and about sexual predators.
Worries became anxieties!
The more I learned about all the horrifying things that could happen to them; the more my worries took hold. Fears became anxieties, and when my children reached middle school, I’d lecture them on everything I had learned. They’d laugh and tell me not to worry, and my questions and concerns became known to them as their After School Specials. I smiled and laughed along with them, while a dark shadow of fear slowly stirred in the pit of my stomach.
When they became young adults out on their own, I thought the worry and anxiety would weaken its grip on me. I knew I’d still worry about them, but since I wasn’t responsible for their overall well-being anymore, I thought things would become easier, and for a while, they were.
I worried less frequently, but every time the phone rang, that familiar gnawing in the pit of my stomach began again. I prepared myself for the bad news that never came. I often worried when the phone didn’t ring and I told myself that all this worrying was in preparation for when something bad would enter our lives. Maybe then I could say to myself, “See, I told you so” as if somehow that would validate all my worries in some small way.
It was several years later when I finally had to face the fact that something wasn’t right. It could have been when I was curled up on the sofa, unable to function, paralyzed with fear, or maybe it was when my poor loving husband—not knowing what to do to help me—gently pleaded for me to get help.
Was I losing my mind?
I had always been a worrier, it was who I was, but it now felt like it had taken complete control of my life. It was preventing me from enjoying life to the fullest. I knew I was missing out on something, on everything. I spent so much time and energy in the grips of worry, fear, and anxiety and received nothing in return. I didn’t want to live with it anymore.
It was this realization that helped make my decision that I needed to fix it.
I needed to fix me.
There was no magic pill. No one was coming to save me.
I needed to save myself.
What have I learned?
Since then I’ve learned that worrying was not my fault. It was the result of my thinking patterns which were based on my belief system. Over the years, those thinking patterns had grown stronger and more powerful. They were a familiar thought process, and they had become my default mode.
I’ve learned how to recognize the signals my body sends out when worry starts to seep in. At that moment of recognition, I can pause, sit with it for a moment. I can explore the thought that is trying to find a place to settle in my mind. Those negative thoughts are not welcome anymore. They can visit once in a while, but they’re no longer allowed to force their way in and take up residence.
Negative thoughts create negative emotions, it’s that simple.
I’ve learned how to separate these thoughts, and one by one render them powerless. When they lose their power, they quietly leave. I know they will be back because they will grab any opportunity to return. The difference is that they no longer hold all the power, I do. Every time I defeat them, they become weaker, and I no longer fear them.
I know that the mind is a complex and powerful thing. It’s full of imagination and creativity, but for many people like myself, it can also be the cause of a great deal of suffering. Whether it’s worry, fear, self-doubt, anxiety or frustration that causes emotional and mental pain—it all stems from the same thing—our default thinking patterns.
By taking back control, you set yourself free, and isn’t freedom the goal we’re all striving to achieve?
Has anxiety changed the way you parent your children?
