There’s been a lot of criticism on social media lately about why women (and men) take so long to come forward with accusations of sexual harassment or abuse. Apparently, the mere fact that accusers have waited years to come forward invalidates their stories in some way. Skeptics have denounced them by claiming that if they had been in their position they would have said something, they wouldn’t have remained silent.
There are many reasons why a victim of sexual harassment or abuse chooses to wait to come forward, and I would never attempt to speak for them. However, for many people who suffer a traumatic event, there is a process of the mind called dissociation. Dissociation is a way for the human mind to disconnect from the emotional ordeal and helps us get through the psychological pain it causes. This mental separation allows victims of any trauma to get through life without having to relive the trauma every day; it allows them to carry on with a seemingly normal life.
Seeing and hearing news of accusers coming forward to report their traumatic experiences can trigger their own memories of sexual harassment or abuse. These memories that have been carefully buried for many years can bubble to the surface causing even close family members to question their authenticity.
It takes an incredible amount of courage and vulnerability to come forward and accuse someone of abuse especially when the alleged abuser is a high profile member of society, but for some reason instead of supporting the victim, some people choose to vilify them instead. This may be the reason why several women come forward all at once; there is indeed at least some safety in numbers.
I haven’t thought about my own experience with sexual harassment in many years. It seems I was one of those people who had dissociated from the trauma and had pushed the memory deep down inside and had carried on with my life. I was very young at the time, jobs were scarce, and the person who sexually harassed me for over a year was a prominent well-respected member of the community. Who would they have believed, him or me?
We live in a world where we value being innocent until proven guilty and it’s something we uphold proudly. Unfortunately being found guilty of sexual harassment or abuse is highly unlikely in our justice system which is another reason why victims do not come forward. I would hope that you wouldn’t judge me as I hope you won’t judge all the women and men who are now coming forward with their own stories. I make no excuses for remaining silent. My silence doesn’t diminish the fact that it happened to me and to countless others. I believe my escalating anxiety was the price I paid for my silence.
To all those that have their own traumatic stories, I respect your decision to tell or not tell. It’s your choice, and no one can take that away from you.
To all those that say it never happened, or why wait so long to come forward, I ask that you do not judge, blame or shame. Perhaps it’s your turn to be silent now.
#metoo
