And Why It’s Never Too Late To Save Yourself!
I used to believe that chronic anxiety was something I had to live with and didn’t question it. It was my affliction, something I had to endure.
Anxiety had become a big part of who I was, and I hid it away as carefully as I could — pushing it as far down as possible so that others couldn’t see just how fragile I really was.
It was only after an extremely severe anxiety attack — one that lasted for several days and terrified me — that something inside of me changed. A persistent thought flashed across my mind and it rattled me to the core.
It was the realization that no one was coming to save me.
It was as if the mask I wore to face the world had fractured, allowing a small sliver of light to shine in, and at that moment, I knew I was going to have to save myself.
This realization was the start of a journey of self-discovery that would change every aspect of my life.
Anxiety had changed who I was meant to be.
It dictated how I behaved. How I showed up (or to be more accurate) not showed up. My world became significantly smaller as years went by because I was afraid to let people in.
I built walls around myself and allowed very few people to see the real me. Only the ones I loved and trusted were permitted into my inner circle, and I could count them on one hand.
The rest of the world saw a different version of me.
This version was confident, self-assured, and professional. Often labelled as ‘stuck up’ or ‘guarded,’ I didn’t let anyone get too close. Keeping people at arm’s length was easier. Distance meant I didn’t have to worry that they would see the fractures that I carefully covered up.
Over time, the walls became higher and wider.
The mask became too heavy to hold, and it became harder to keep up the pretense that I was fine.
That everything was fine.
The day I felt the light shine in was the day I’ll never forget.
I made a promise to myself to not let anxiety rule my life any longer.
I vowed to do everything I could to beat it. I would refuse to be defined by it, and that decision changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined.
Over the next two years, I researched and studied everything I could find on anxiety and in doing so, I discovered who I really was.
I stripped back the layers that had helped form the mask I had always worn. I tore down the walls I had thought protected me and discovered they didn’t protect me at all. They had kept me small and scared, and prevented me from becoming the person I had always wanted to be.
For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to sit with my emotions.
I had always believed that negative and painful emotions needed to be pushed deep down inside. I thought feeling negative emotions would be painful and I didn’t like pain. All my life, I had been told to think positively, to think on the bright side, and to just be happy, so acknowledging negative emotions seemed wrong.
Wasn’t it counter-productive to allow myself to feel negative emotions when my goal was to eliminate anxiety?
This question makes me smile because it shows how naïve I was when it came to self-awareness.
Learning how emotions show up in my body and being willing to sit with it and question the thought that created it, has profoundly changed my life.
I look at the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach differently now.
I think of it as the first signal my body sends to tell me to pay attention to what I am thinking. As soon as I feel it, I give it my full attention instead of ignoring it as I used to do.
Practicing self-awareness has resulted in being able to address the thought that created the emotion before it results in anxiety.
I used to believe that anxiety showed up with no warning, but I was wrong!
Over the years I had trained myself to ignore fear, frustration, overwhelm, or worry and my body responded with anxiety. The gnawing sensation in my stomach, the rapid pulse, and my heart beating so hard that felt like it was trying to escape the confines of my chest, were all sensations I was familiar with.
My fight or flight response was always on alert.
Anxiety became my umbrella emotion.
Looking at anxiety as an umbrella emotion enabled me to see it differently.
I had trained my body to respond to negative emotions by opening the umbrella immediately. It covered up all the other emotions I hadn’t learned to recognize and although I despised it — it was familiar.
It seemed logical that I was anxious because I had anxiety.
Anxiety was a full body response, and I dealt with it by letting it run its full course because I refused to take medication. It was my disease and had no choice but to allow it to course through my system. Eventually, it would run out of steam, and spit me out on the other side, leaving me mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I believed this to be my future and didn’t think there was a viable alternative.
Thankfully, time and experience have transformed my beliefs.
Learning how my body reacted to emotion gave meaning to the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I changed how I thought about it. I now look at it as a signal that tells me to pay attention to the emotion I’m feeling.
I pause and sit with the emotion. I label it and ask myself what thought created it.
Addressing the thought means I am dealing with the cause of the emotion and my brain no longer needs to send out additional signals like the racing pulse and rapid heartbeat.
Breaking emotions down into simple terms has been the key to understanding anxiety.
Practicing this process has been vital in eliminating the anxiety attacks I used to think was a part of who I am.
Before I decided to save myself from a lifetime of anxiety, I didn’t think it was possible to change a condition that affects millions of people worldwide.
But it is possible.
Finding the courage to face anxiety head on, led me to discover my true self in the process.
I stepped out from under the umbrella, and can say with all honesty; it’s never too late to save yourself.
